TWO OBSCENE SUGGESTIONS, A QUERY AND A COMPLAINT

STEVIE RONNIE

I

Sir, I read with interest your recent call for public opinions relating to this new so-called poetry library in Manchester (Manchester Evening News, 8^th February 2020). Quite frankly, I do not see the need for such a building and I would like to respectfully offer the following suggestions: (1) that an explosive charge be placed underneath the building and (2) that said charge be detonated with sufficient force for each book to be torn into individual sheets that are ejected approximately 200 feet into the air. The timing of this event is of utmost importance. Should you, in some fit of uncharacteristic sanity, select a day with favourable wind conditions on which to do this then each of the poems will fall over Manchester like a blanket of snow.

Yours faithfully, etc.

Alan MacDougal, Professor in Pyrotechnic Studies (Emeritus), Bangor University

 

II

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Having heard recently from my neighbour Dot about the planned poetry library in Grosvenor Square, Manchester I would like to offer my opinion on this matter. I am a regular visitor to the square to take tea and sandwiches with my dear old friend Mr Dearden. Like many of the other visitors to our fine city from places as far flung as Bolton and Stoke-on-Trent, you may not be aware that the area is home to a large population of squirrels and pigeons. I must therefore pose this question to you: just exactly what provision has been made for these animals? My friend Mr Dearden has indeed assured me that ‘animal poetry’ is a recognised literary genre and I trust that a sufficiently large area of the new library has been set aside to house reading material that is suitable for these local residents. I await your timely reply in anticipation.

Mrs Livia Columba (retired), Pigeon Street, Manchester

 

III

Dear Mr Burgess,

I read with shilarny your letter where you kopat the virtues of the planned new poetry biblio in Manchester City Centre (MEN, 7^th May). However, I must express a malenky disgust at your decision to return from beyond the grave to send me such an ill-considered and, quite frankly, nadmenny correspondence.

I am unable to fathom how any such bezoomny undertaking as this can provide additional vino to the already horrorshow cultural jeezny that we enjoy here in Manchester. What with such bolshy bugatties as financial expert Martin Lewis, Loose Women star Judy Finnigan and the number 1 ranked international Foosball star Rob Atha, this biblio seems nothing but chepooka to me.

When the gazetta ploshed onto my doormat, you should know that it was about as welcome as a moodge with a merkzy morder. Hiding behind your earthly demise does nothing but confirm you as eunuch jelly and, if I were not so fash, I’d gooly over to Monaco myself and fist you in the rot.

(Name and address supplied)